I'm not dead.

Hello my darling little experiments.  I haven't posted in a while, because of the hustle and bustle of the holidays.  Fear not dearies, I'll go back to regular posting come January.     Just thought I'd tell you that I'm still around.

Idiots

People are stupid.  It's a known fact.  The top 5 biggest idiots of 2012. Note: It was hard to choose just 5.


5. China.
 
    I'm sorry China. But you did make fools of yourselves this year.  No,  Canada is not building a highway that allows you to get to Mexico without toughing the U.S.A. No,  Kim Jong Un is not the sexiest man alive. Again, it's totally our fault.

4. My classmates.

   #stopusinghashtagoutsideoftheinternet. Jesus christ people.  Aw I still love (some of) you. But seriously. You guys are morons.

3.  Westboro Baptist Church

     Oh, so you're going to picket the funerals of children because of the freedoms of america? Allow me to tell the world how horrible you are.

2. Spence Diamonds.

These people make the worst radio commercials ever
You think a guy's going to email us that his girlfriend isn't hot?
Good point!
 I swear if I ever meet these two in real life, I will murder them, and burn that place to the ground.
TIE: 2. The American Government.
NO.  PUTTING MORE GUNS IN SCHOOLS TO PREVENT GUN VIOLENCE IS STUPID. ALL YOU ARE, ARE A BUNCH OF ANGRY, WHITE, EVANGELICAL STRAIGHT WELL ARMED OLD MEN. SHUT UP, OR I'LL SHOVE YOUR TRUSTY HUNTING REIFLE DOWN YOUR THROAT.

1: Anyone who thought that the world would end yesterday.

hehe you're silly. Especially those of you who wasted money to go to some village in france to get beamed up by aliens. Lol FAIL

   

LYRIC DISSECTION: Dirty Paws

About a week ago, I posted a review of My Head is An Animal by Of Monsters and Men. In ced review, I mentioned how I thought the song Dirty Paws eluded to World War Two.  Tonight, I explain this.

it starts around here:

once there was an animal
it had a son who mowed the lawn
the son was an o.k. guy
they had a pet dragonfly- A typical family

The dragonfly it ran away
but it came back with a story to say.- The dragonfly might be a member of the family rather than a pet. The family member goes to war. The use of a fly suggests that they were a pilot.

her dirty paws and furry coat
she ran down the forest floor- A soldier

the forest of talking trees
they used to sing about the birds and the bees- Nostalgia for a peaceful europe.

the bees had declared a war
the sky wasn't big enough for them all- the bees are germany, attempting to expand their rule over europe.

The birds they got help from below
from dirty paws and the creatures of snow- the birds are england, dirty paws are america, and the creatures of snow are the U.S.S.R. forming the allies

and for a while things were cold
they were scared down in their holes- occupied europe in the grip of the nazis. the "cold" suggests a reference to the hunger winter

the forest that once was green
was coloured black by those killing machines- the destruction of europe and sacred historical sites during the bombings

but she and her furry friends
took down the queen bee and her men
and that's how the story goes
the story of those beasts with their four dirty paws- the defeat of the nazis and end of the war.

the use of bees for nazis suggests a reference to the orderly and thoughtless fashion the nazis were run

and that is why i think that song is about ww2.  in parting, i leave you with:

Books you just can't read

Do I even have to say it?

Annnnnyways. I recently attempted to read Schindlers list.  And, for one reason or another. I could not get through it. Not because it was emotionally scarring, but because it was boring. I am a big book person, and do not get bored easily by books. However, this was so incredibly slow that  I was just like "screw this, I'm done."

 This also happened with Mockingjay, but for different reasons. I would have kept on, if Katnisss wasn't a completely insufferable character. She just grinds my gears.

The top 5 best villains of pop culture according TO THE LORD AND MASTER (me)

Villains are more interesting than heroes. Admit it, you think so too

MY TOP 5 FAVOURITE VILLAINS

Yawn

5.  Gaston

NO ONE VERBS LIKE GASTON
 NO ONE VERBS LIKE GASTON
NO ONE MULTIPLE VERBS  IN SUCCESION LIKE GASTON
FOR THERE'S NO ONE AS ADJECTIVE AND ADJECTIVE
AS YOU SEE I'VE GOT NOUNS TO SPARE!

4.  The Joker

He is pretty much the ultimate comic book villain.







3. The daleks

EXTERMINATE

Give Bruce Willis his nose back

2. Voldemort

The dark lord.

Staring contest. Go

1. Dr. Hannibal Lector

Ok, whoever names their kid Hannibal just knows he's gonna be messed up

To hell with Westboro (WARNING: SALTY LANGUAGE)

   This is a follow up to the "Guns" post I wrote on Saturday.  It regarded the recent school shooting in Connecticut.   Both of these posts are rants.  I would like to offer extra condolences to the families of the victims.   Note: I will not be censoring this post, so if you're offended by saucy lingo, go look at puppies or something.


     I'm sure you're familiar with the crazy ass bitches known as the Westboro Baptist church. Their activities consist of making the rest of christianity look bad.  They're constantly talking about how america is gonna go to hell and homosexuals are bad, yet they hide behind the constitution of a nation they claim to hate. Nobody likes them. For good reason.  What do they have to do with the shooting?
Oh I'll tell ya what.

THEY ARE GOING TO PICKET THE FUNERALS OF THE PEOPLE WHO DIED IN THE SHOOTING.

    What the unholy fuck are these people thinking? Do they not understand WE. DON'T. LIKE. YOU. SHUT. UP. PLEASE. Jesus Mary and Joseph. Now, why? According to them, it was gods "will". God "wanted" those innocent children to die, because of gay people. I swear on the three fold rule of wicca I'm not lying.  Holy fucking shit.  The whole world has had it up to here with them.  If there is a god, he would never want innocent kids to die. Do they even read the bible? Do they not have ears. In my mind, they are themselves an embodyment of evil.  All the kids who leave, because, you know they grew brains, are like "Yeah, they're assholes." So, Westboro, I offer you a big old FUCK YOU.  I hope the god they pray to is real, just so he can wipe those smug expressions off of their faces when he sends them to hell.

But wait! All hope is not lost!

     The kickass members of Anonymous have finally done something about it. What have they done? What they do best, which is fucking things up for those who deserve it.  YOU GO ANONYMOUS please don't hack me.   They have released the names of ALL members of Westboro. Their contact info, addresses, the whole shmeer. They have a video out attacking the church, and are thinking about taking down westboro's site. Godess I love those guys. And it's not just anon getting all up in their beeswax. People have started a petition to get them officially labeled a hate group. They needed 25,00 signatures. They have over 100,00.  GO PEOPLE!

So yeah.

Love day: Cartoon theories

I am a total nerd.  You already knew that.   And, I like cartoons. Recently, it has been brought to my attention, that people have started attaching very dark meanings and undertones to popular cartoons. This phenomenon is especially prevalent on the website Creepypasta.   Though a lot of people complain about them, I like them.  I am not a model of sanity, so it's probably best not to follow in my footsteps on the matter.  In the spirit of ruining your childhood, here are some of my favourite cartoon theories:


exhibit A: Ed, Edd n Eddy

premise: Three boys with similar names play around with the other children in their cul-du-sac.  Most of their tomfoolery is centred around the aquisition of jawbreakers.

theory: Purgatory.

Add a moustache to his finger, and ed becomes a hipster

notes: The whole dead children idea is extremely popular among cartoon theorists. For every show with a similar idea, this theory always appears. The backstory to this, is that all of the kids are spirits, and that the cul du sac is purgatory. The kanker (canker?) sisters are the children of demons from hell, sent to torture the lost souls.






exhibit b: Spongebob Squarepants

premise: A yellow sea sponge goes around having misadventures and working in a fast food restaurant.

theory: Nuclear bomb

Notes: There are multiple theories surrounding this show. I have chosen one actually coined by the creator. The theory is that Spongebob and his friends were normal sea creatures who were actually mutated by the nuclear tests at bikini atol.  Hence the town being called Binkini Bottom. Rather than being spawned from the minds of paranoid internet fanatics, Stephen Hillenburg (creator of spongebob) is the one who came up with this theory. Seems legit.  As for Sandy, no one can really explain a squirrel from texas who is a scientist and karate master living underwater.



exhibit c: Rugrats

premise: babies fool around and eat dirt

theory: angelica is really messed up

Horrified? I sure am.

notes: This is the product of some really messed up folks. This theory in a nutshell is basically a big clusterf***.  According to this theory, angelica is a bipolar schizo crackbaby. Her doll Cynthia, was her real mom. The woman portrayed as her mom is a gold digging hoe.  All of the babies are dead and are hallucinations brought on by Angelica's mental state, with the exception of Dil. Dil was real, and because she couldn't tell the difference between him and the others, Angelica became frustrated.  He didn't obey her like her hallucinations, so she beat him, deforming his head. At age 13, Angelica became addicted to drugs and commited suicide. Suzie, her only childhood friend, became a psychologist, and helped develop the show.

Sure, they are outrageous. But, you have to admit, they're interesting


these shows are the properties of their respective networks and creators. Please don't sue me, I don't have a lot of money

Guns.

    Unless you've been in a coma the last little while, you've no doubt heard about the connecticut school shooting that took place recently, killing 26-28 (i read different numbers everywhere). 20 of these where children, as young as five.   This event ended more lives than Columbine.  This christmas, many families will have their holidays darkened by what happened.

This could have been prevented
it could have been avoided
this didn't have to happen

but it did.

why?

Because people want to own guns. Already, those in favour of the right to bare arms law are dismissing it.  Why don't I shoot your baby and see how you like it, huh?  God I hate you guys sometimes. In a country where over a thousand people die due to gun violence each year, and that has already had three deadly massacres this year, you'd think these red necks would have woken up to the fact that GUNS ARE DANGEROUS AND PEOPLE ARE CRAZY.   In canada, the death toll for guns is around 36 each year. And even lower in some countries. Because we control guns.  Sometimes it seems like americans put up a logic barrier around themselves. If a legislation had passed a day before, perhaps this guy would have been captured before he did any damage. Maybe those families would have their kids for the holidays this year. It moved president obama to tears.

    The whole reason the right to bare arms thing even exists, was because it was written at a time when the u.s. was a developing country. Due to the custom of the time, having a gun was more a social thing. And because the country was so small, no one ever thought "crazy people exist." In canada, there is no way you're able to just walk into Wal-Mart and buy a gun.  Stop saying you have a right to bare arms, crazy redneck republicans.

some suggestions on how to control guns

• The Gouvernment being responsible for distributing guns
• Make it like adoption, when a person requests a gun, perform psychological examinations, investigate them. If they seem off, reject them
• limit the amount of guns an american can own to 1 per household
• veterans do not get to own guns
• abolish that part of the constitution
• grow a freaking brain
• jail anyone who violates any of these.

Just some ideas.

Victorian goth

 Dear parents of baby bats/kindergoths,

     this is how you can tell whether it's just a phase or if your kid is actually for real. Is their look elegant or aesthetically pleasing? Or do they look like a jumbled mess? Do they listen to Voltaire, Thoushaltnot, The clash and Emilie autumn? Or are they into marilyn manson and other things like that? Are they nice, kind, thoughtful, intelligent people? Or are they thuggish, rude and do drugs? If they look dark yet sophisticated, listen to all of the above bands with the exception of marilyn manson, and are nice and polite, they're for real. If you answered yes to the second questions, it's just a phase. It'll pass.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     Some of them, like myself, are real. We've always felt this way, and always will. I didn't dress goth when I was 3, but I certainly liked it. And even though my parents are themselves aren't goths, they like gothic decor, dil, literature, and music.  I've always loved goth, from a very young age. And my favourite of them all, is victorian goth.                                                          

   Victorian goth can be characterised by corsets, top hats, tailcoats, long flow-y dresses, lots of black (duh) and anything that would have been fashionable in the mid to late 1800s.  Victorian goths tend to be very polite, well educated individuals. This style has a certain fin ess, that I feel is lacked by trad goths (the ones who say the subculture is dead. Only your branch of it, darling).  This style can also be merged with steampunk, if that's your thing, which will be of course if you're anything like me.  This style of dress can go hand in hand with cabaret goth, another favourite of mine. However, the victorian ladies cover themselves up a little more, to each his own. I've always been a big corset person, so that has to explain a lot Here are some victorian gothic dresses and outfits that I love;

If you listen to rasputina, Emilie Autumn, and like the movie Repo! The genetic opera, victorian goth is probably your thing.

Stuff that makes noise: Of monsters and men

I hate radio cash bag game things. THERE I SAID IT.

Moving along.  Today will be a review of:

Why is everything from Europe so weird? Why aren't they wearing clothes? Aren't they cold? I just want to know

Of Monsters And Men!

 review: I absolutely love this album.  I first heard them on my dad's iPod (coolest parentals ever or what?) they blew me away. They have a folk indie sound. AND NOW A DISSECTION OF LE SONGS THAT I FAVOUR:

Dirty Paws: A song of war in a forest.  I think it's all a big metaphor about WWll.  Just think about it. Next week, I'll go into more detail about it.
Little talks: A smashing good song. So upbeat, yet so sad.
Sloom: An extremely understated song. Another story, a sad story. So love me mother. And love me father.
Numb bears: A bit of a stompish one.


And now the rating. You know the drill, 1 is nazi justin beiber, 5 is pure awesome.

and they get:

5! It's a beautiful baby 5! The vocals are like velvet. The instrumentals are interesting and textured. The lyrics are poetic. All good. all good

Good Omens dream cast!!!!!!!!!

A little  while ago, Neil Gaiman, god of all awesome, announced that the book Good Omens  would be made into a t.v. miniseries. This was my reaction:

ahem

DIOJUHNJKLDERHGHH X YESSSSSS!!!!!1 AHAOMYGODBLAAAAGALLTHEFEELS!

 and scene! '

so, I have complied a dream cast. Here it is.

Aziraphale: Anthony Stewart Head.

Of course it's a picture of him with a cross

He would be Perfection! Whenever I read it, he was always aziraphale in my head. He could pull off the whole snobby yet nice older british guy thing that ol' Azi has goin on.

Crowley: David Tennant.

A lot of people wanted Benedict Cumberbatch as either Aziraphale or Crowley. I will try to fit him in somewhere, although I do not think he's the guy for the main roles. David Tennant has got the goofy yet slick evil guy thing DOWN.


War: Karen Gillan

Oh Amelia Pond. You're a firey beautiful scottish redhead. Perfect for the position of motorcyclist of the apocalypse. I mean really, are there any other options?


Famine: Benedict Cumberbatch

TOLD YOU HE'D BE IN THERE DIDN'T I? He's skinny, dark haired, and has some of the best acting chops around. Therefore, he shall be famine. I DEMAND IT

Death: Christopher Lee

He was death in the Discworld miniseries.  It would be awesomesauce supreme if he reprised the roll for this. Am I right.

Newton Pulsifer: Kiren McKulkin

I know, I know, he's not british.  But he is Wallace from scott pilgrim. He would KILL IT as newt.


Anathema: Evanna Lynch

Looney looney luna.  I love her, and I think she'd be good.


Agnes Nutter: Maggie Smith

Agnes is one of the best fictional characters ever created by anybody. Maggie Smith is one of the best actresses of all time. Maggie Smith as Agnes Nutter= nerdgasm



I couldn't really find anyone for Pollution or Shadwell. As for hastur and Ligur, I was thinking will ferrel and zac galafinakes. Sorry if I spelled your name wrong Zac. The campaign was really good. if you have any suggestions for pollution or Shadwell, comment please.


ok bye

I don't know what I'm doin right now, but I know I really hate you all.

  You know what really grinds my gears, that lindsey lohan. I mean, I'm over here, you're there. What do you want from me?

I don't even know where to start. I'm just pissed off at general things, which you should enjoy.


               So there's this guy, I'll call him 817.  This is an open letter, to 817.

                          Dear 817,
you got a problem with me bro? I'm sensing that we, are not clicking. I wish to make this very clear, so that your tiny insignificant brain will be able to comprehend; I don't trust you. I never have.  I don't care what best friend#1 and best friend #2 say or think about you. If you do have a problem with me, just @#^&$^ say it already! Enough with the passive aggressive undermining.  You tippy nosed wanker.


    i needed to say that

it hurt

Annnnnyways, best friend #2 has this thing. It's called a girl cloud. And boy do they grind my gears. They don't give him any breathing room, and he completely ignores me and best friend #1 while in their company. To sum them up (and adress them at the same time, heyo!), I say this. Ladies, Santa's seen your Facebook posts. You're getting clothes and a dictionary for christmas. Oh, and instagram only works if you don't look good in high definition.  Slutty hoe bags.






seriously folks. KILL YOURSELVES

Love day: Youtube.

 Youtube is a big part of my life.  I really can't imagine a world without it.

    A lot of people complain about it (see rant on old people), but these are outsiders. They simply do not understand the beauty of it all.  Sure, youtube has lot's of trolls (FAKE), stupid people (fred subscribers), and a lot of comments are kind of (very) dumb.  However, in my experience, the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages.

     Youtube is a community. A place were likeminded people can come together and enjoy each other's content.  If one youtuber is in trouble, rest assured that the others in the community will defend and help them.  It allows you to share really awesome things with really awesome people. And the occasional armenian pedophile.  You can express your opinion, share ideas, and even do charity work. Entire communities are born of youtube (ex: Nerdfighters). Things like P4A and the beckoning of lovely.  Again, there are stupid, hateful people on youtube. But the caring, smart ones will call the stupids out. An' call em' out we do.

It facilitates the discovery of new ideas and artists. There are people who's entire career it Youtube. They make about as much as most upper-middle class people, and are a lot happier. If anyone ever tries to tell you that Youtube is a waste of time, present them with this evidence. Thank god it isn't Facebook, or finding good things would be much harder

   

Thursday on Saturday

  So I missed thursday's post. I also missed friday's. No matter, I shall make up for thursday. I will not be making up for friday.  Ok? Ok.


MOOOOOOSIC TIMEE!

A review of:

I you turn your head, it kind of looks like a thing

Synthetica!


oooh pretty.


Anyways.  Metric, for those who don't know, is an electro-rock band from Canada.  Synthetica is their 3rd album.   I like them.  Now, here's how my rating system works. A lot of people have different ratings, ewoks or just plain ol stars.  Mine will work like so:

1: Nazi justin beiber
2: rush limbaugh
3: meh
4: Bacon
5: Awesome

Now for Synthetica's rating. Drum roll please!
dududududududu

4! Bacon! I found it ok. I prefer their second album, Fantasies. I enjoy quite a few songs on Synthetica. My favourite on the album is Breathing Underwater.  Youth without Youth is also good.

ok bye

Neil Gaiman

   Neil Gaiman, is, hands down, my favourite author ever.  Sorry John.

this should explain a thing or two

why.  I'LL TELL YA WHY!!

Oink

  it all started when i was a young, innocent child.  Or, at least as innocent as is possible for me.  My mother read me the wolves in the walls. The darkness, the struggle, and the humour captivated me. I demanded to be read it every night. My favourite line is "What? said the queen of Melanesia, who had dropped by to help with the gardening."  Genius! I wish I could think of crazy crap like that! Oh wait. I can. THANKS TO NEIL. That christmas, the only I wanted, the only thing in the world was a pig puppet. I still have it. Somewhere. It's kinda greyish now.



My favourite book of all time and the universe, is good omens. It's a collaboration he did with Terry Pratchett. To quote nNeil : "Good Omens seems like I wrote this really dark, serious story, and terry ran around behind me putting in jokes." That's a fun image. I'll just let ya play around with it for awhile

Why i love being nerdy

  Hello my darlings. First of all, hello to the one person in Spain, the one person in Germany, and one person in the U.K. that's checked us out. Greetings from Canadia foreigners! Anyways, it's nerd day. you know, time for nerdy stuff.

      If you believe in labels (which secretly i do) then you probably classify people. here, I classify myself. Nerd/Goth. Not a likely combo I know. But, I don't care. That's the way I am and YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT. Ok? Moving right along. We nerds, to quote John Green, god of awesome, are allowed to unironically love things.  Like, jump up and down in your seat love.

A nerdy trait is having a favorite from a certain category of something, rather than the thing it's self. Like having a favourite song off of an album.

I don't really have that much to talk about, so that's the end for me

@$%^#@ DECORATIVE RADISHES!

     As a proud feminist, stay at home moms piss me off.  Do I really have to go into detail about this? I do. Aww come on! Shouldn't it be obvious. Ok, since this is rant day, I guess I should fill you in about it a little more.  Don't get me wrong, I know a few stay at home moms, ok 1 stay at home mom, and she rocks. The others? Yeah, no.


   They pose a huge threat to the economy.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but these suburban barbie sluts are taking a huge risk finically, if they break up with their husbands.  With no source of income, where will these parasites go for money? Welfare. They have no means of income, except taxpayer dollars. I'm not paying to keep some (expletive) afloat who won't freaking work. You know, some women don't have a choice. Not many women have that choice and are forced to either work or stay home. I say cut em' off. They CHOSE not to work, that's not a choice most can make.  Let them live with the consequences of their choice. Oh yeah, and how much money was wasted on giving these good for nothing Stepford wives a college education. They aren't even using that! What was that Ph.D for again ladies? Carving decorative radishes for the PTO meeting. Right.

   Do the efforts of the suffragettes mean absolutely nothing to these people? They're an absolute insult to every woman who fought to get them in the workplace! And what's worse, they bubble wrap themselves from the outside world. I don't trust anyone to raise the future that doesn't know how many somali children die every day due to starvation, illness, or other causes.  Willful ignorance to the outside world does not a good mom make.

   What kind of example are these people setting for their daughters? They should be out there WORKING, showing your little girl you can still work at a CNN newsroom and be a good mother.  Also, over parenting hurts kids, not helps them.  "People without kids just don't get it" is something I'm sick of hearing. SHUT UP ERMAHGERD! Plus your husband finds you less attractive now. Its a fact. They have no sense of self, they pour everything into their kids. And then when their kids leave em, we all suffer.

  Also, they're breast feeding nazis. I'll see them pestering some poor working mom  about breastfeeding and being free and blah blah blah. They keep asking how other women how they use and view their own breasts. If you see this happening to some poor woman with 5 or 6 kids, working 3 different jobs, getting pestered by these women, you know what you do. Slap that stay at home mom right in the botox injected cheeks and say "You know what, her breasts are her breasts, and those babies are her babies. Lay off". Back to the whole breatfeeding is free thing. They also go on the same way about cloth diapers. At the risk of having bags of breast milk and cloth diapers pelted at my door, they aren't free. It's only free if you don't put value on a woman's time. Lay. The frik. Off.

And now, a six-word message to stay at home mothers. Suburban, uppermiddle class ones.

GET A JOB, LAZY WHITE B****ES!

Top 10 Most beautiful women in my messed up opinion

This list is in no particular order, simply women that I find attractive physically, that I love and admire.



10. Avril Lavigne

Her music is meh, but I find her attractive











9. Tara Strong

Ok, this woman is, like, the QUEEN of voice actresses.











8. Tina Fey

Liz lemon is my hero.











7. Helena Bonham Carter

Massive lady crush on her











6. Tori Amos

I've loved and respected her since I was a wee lass. And look at that hair. LOOK AT IT






5. Amy Lee

voice of an angel!!!!








4. Evanna Lynch

who doesn't love luna











3. Jessica Chastain

seriously, one of the most beautiful women ever. Eat your heart out, Mila Kunis









2. Hayley Williams

beautiful and talented. Like most people on this list.











1. Emilie Autumn.

No words really, other than LOVE HER












That's today's blog post. Notice a trend in my preferences?